Musician Humour

Musician Humour courtesy of
countless musicians and their critics

Q: What’s the difference between Terrorists and Accordion players?
A: Terrorists have sympathisers

Q: How many Folk Singers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One to change it and 5 to sing about how good the old one was

Q: What do you call a beautiful woman on a trombonist’s arm?
A: A tattoo.

Q: What’s the difference between a banjo and an onion?
A: Nobody cries when you chop up a banjo.

Q: What do clarinettists use for birth control?
A: Their personalities.

Q: What did the drummer get on his IQ. Test?
A: Saliva.

Q: What do you call a guitar player without a girlfriend?
A: Homeless.

Q: What’s the similarity between a drummer and a philosopher?
A: They both perceive time as an abstract concept.

Q: What’s the difference between a drummer and a vacuum cleaner?
A: You have to plug one of them in before it sucks.

Q: Why do some people have an instant aversion to banjo players?
A: It saves time in the long run.

Q: What’s the difference between a folk guitar player and a large pizza?
A: A large pizza can feed a family of four.

Q: What’s the latest crime wave in New York City?
A: Drive-by trombone solos.

Q: What is another term for trombone?
A: A wind driven, manually operated, pitch approximator.

Q: What is the dynamic range of a bass trombone?
A: On or off.

Q: What’s the definition of perfect pitch?
A: When you toss a banjo in the garbage and it hits an accordion.

Q: What’s the difference between an opera singer and a pit bull?
A: Lipstick.

Q: What do you call a guitar player that only knows two chords?
A: A music critic.

Q: What will you never say about a banjo player?
A: “That’s the banjo player’s Porsche.”

Q: What do a viola and a lawsuit have in common?
A: Everyone is relieved when the case is closed.

Q: Why are harps like elderly parents?
A: Both are unforgiving and hard to get into and out of cars.

Q: What’s the difference between an oboe and a bassoon?
A: You can hit a baseball further with a bassoon.

Q: How many concertmasters does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Just one, but it takes four movements.

Q: How can a drummer and a conductor avoid rhythm conflicts?
A: Work separate concert halls.

Vibrato: Used by singers to hide the fact that they are on the wrong pitch.

Did you hear about the Tenor who was so arrogant the other Tenors noticed?

Q: What’s the difference between a Lawnmower and a Viola?
A: Vibrato

Q: How can you tell when a singer is at your door?
A: The can’t find the key, and they never know when to come in.

Q: How do you get two bass players to play in unison?
A: Hand them charts a half-step apart.

Q: How do you get a guitarist to play softer?
A: Place a sheet of music in front of him.

Q: Why can’t voice majors have colostomies?
A: Because they can’t find shoes to match the bag.

Q: How do you reduce wind-drag on a trombonist’s car?
A: Take the Domino’s Pizza sign off the roof

Q: What do you throw a drowning bass player?
A: His amp.

Q: How do you get a trombonist off of your porch?
A: Pay him for the pizza.

Q: What’s the last thing a drummer says before he gets kicked out of a band?
A: “When do we get to play MY songs?”

Q: What do you call a gentleman?
A: Someone who knows how to play the accordion, yet chose otherwise.

A ‘C’, an E-flat, and a ‘G’ go into a bar. The bartender says: “Sorry, but we don’t serve minors.” So, the E-flat leaves, and the C and the G have an open fifth between them. After a few drinks, the fifth is diminished: the G is out flat. An F comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not sharp enough.
A D comes into the bar and heads straight for the bathroom saying, “Excuse me. I’ll just be a second.” An A comes into the bar, but the bartender is not convinced that this relative of C is not a minor. Then the bartender notices a B-flat hiding at the end of the bar and exclaims: “Get out now! You’re the seventh minor I’ve found in this bar tonight.”
The E-flat, not easily deflated, comes back to the bar the next night in a 3-piece suit with nicely shined shoes. The bartender says: “You’re looking sharp tonight, come on in! This could be a major development.” This proves to be the case, as the E-flat takes off the suit, and everything else, and stands there au natural.
Eventually, the C sobers up, and realises in horror that he’s under a rest. The C is brought to trial, is found guilty of contributing to the diminution of a minor, and is sentenced to 10 years of DS without Coda at an upscale correctional facility. On appeal, however, the C is found innocent of any wrongdoing, even accidental, and that all accusations to the contrary are bassless.